The Unknowables

Lately I have been aware of my inability to really see and access my clients. Even after a year of weekly one-hour sessions with clients, I know that I do not know them, that I still cannot get to the essence of them. Sometimes I can't even grasp the problems we are navigating. Am I not paying attention? Am I doing this all wrong? Why can I not see them? Are they not showing me? It feels like I'm swimming in deep water, trying to find something to hold on to.  I'm often searching for what is real, what is important, what is the answer, what is the problem.

Luckily, I stumbled upon Irvin Yalom's "Two Smiles" in his 1989 book Love's Executioner.  Have you read any of his books? I can't remember the first book I read of his, nor how I found it. Maybe it was just on the shelf at the library; unfortunately no one recommended his books to me before. It's sad to me that I might have never found them.

Dr. Yalom uses the epilogue of "Two Smiles" to share his thoughts on how we are blocked from the knowing of the other. As he described the futile devices of our language to express our thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc, I felt a wave of relief. "The march, from image to thought to language, is treacherous. Casualties occur..."  He goes on to discuss the problem with accurately receiving information.  "It is wildly improbable that the receiver's image will match the sender's original mental image. Translation error is compounded by bias error." Written by a well-respected psychiatrist in his 50s, these words offered me reassurance that I may not be doing this work wrong. We are all inadequate at being able to see and know the "vast richness and intricacy of each individual experience." It is the unknowable. I will continue to seek and serve each of my clients to the best of my ability every single day, and I will try to embrace of this gray area as a way of recognizing and honoring that each individual's full experience is too vast and rich to ever be fully known.

And I will read more of Dr. Yalom's books. Love's Executioner offered many more lessons--lessons on the importance of the therapeutic relationship, the existential pain we all deal with, and the humanness of the therapist. I'm sure I'll come back to it again and again.